The Angst of GD

The closer I get on my timeline, to the next hurdle in transition, the more worried I get. What will I do if the therapist won’t sign off on hormones? I’ve seen posts on Facebook by people who were told no, and it adds to my anxiety.

After a life of filling the role, doing my best and then failing the gender I was born with, I can no longer function without that hope. There would be no hope.

Like so many others before me, I deeply regret not coming out sooner. Still, there are elements of the past fifty-plus years that I don’t regret. It’s a can of worms. Being condemned to live out the rest of my life as a male, however, would be a death sentence.

I would crawl into a hole and wait for the end. While thinking about the upcoming visit with a therapist, something occurred. It’s not about the child who wanted to do girl things. Also, it’s not about activities she preferred or the disconnected feelings she had with boys.

Although those things are part of gender dysphoria, therapists are concerned with the angst of their patient. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this but I hate job interviews. I don’t have the male confidence it takes to sell myself. Going to a therapist to sell the idea that I need to be a woman falls in with that.

In some units of the military the soldier is judged by their ability to blend in with their surroundings. I’m afraid it will be like that for me with the therapist. What if she decides that my ability to blend as a male is proof that I’m not a woman in the wrong body?

My angst is clear. My world fell apart ten years ago and I obediently tried to put it back together since. I failed. Call it a day. Stick a fork in me, I’m done. If my therapist won’t sign off, I will give up.

It occurred to me that if I could convince my therapist of my angst, she would sign off on the hormones and I would be on my way. Like a job interview, however, I can’t sell myself. I’m going to have to tell the truth and hope she can see my need.