Isn’t amazing? We tend to think we are the masters of the planet. Then, a debilitating illness hits and we become subservient cry-babies. Something crawled into me the other day. I’ve had it before but I don’t remember what I need to do to make it go away.
The truth is I’m scared. It started with a hacking cough that’s not a cold. Now I can’t get to the kitchen without angina like symptoms overtaking me. I can’t breathe, can’t sleep. Can’t do anything. You should see me walking into work from the parking lot. I have to stop and sit down three times.
Needless to say I don’t do anything. Getting dressed up to go out just isn’t in the plans. Have you ever noticed that being sick is a real challenge to be being in transition. A person reverts to the days of their youth and the hanging out comfort of doing nothing.
Its just one of those learned things, like what you do when after a shower. In transition, I follow a regiment of lotion and grooming and makeup, this morning, however, I didn’t feel like doing the regiment. I almost put on his boxer shorts. I need to learn how to be sick and still be a woman.
Does that sound crazy? Any of you have this trouble? I’m not sure what’s wrong and I try to avoid the possibilities. Yes I should go to the doctor, but I won’t have insurance until September.
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ReplyDeleteI'm puzzled and I apologise if my comments become too intimate.
Are you still wearing men's boxer shorts?
Undies were the first to go when I transitioned - they were hidden - they were not outerwear.
I then transitioned to uni-sex female attire - jeans, tops, shoes, sox - to replace my male clothes. I could wear my women's clothes to work while still presenting as a male, while being my secret these clothes were from the women's wear rack.
I learned that presentation was a part of transition. If I presented as male while wearing my uni-sex female attire, then they saw male; if I presented as female, then they saw female. This was my 'passing the passing test'. Truly passing was if I attempted to present as male and people saw me as female.
Further, no matter what I do nowadays, it is always female; I have no fallback-to-male mode. Of course I have been legally female since 1980, surgically female since 1983, and fully transition since 1985. I have bare memories of what it was once to be male since nearly my entire adult life has been female. Most days I do not even realise that I was once male and I have no thought that I was once male.
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ReplyDeleteNo new posts for a couple weeks?
I am praying for you to get better and return to posting your progress.
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