Are You?

Through my cross-dressing days, I suspected my spouse knew. Now that I’m in transition, It’s pretty hard not to notice the changes in the way I dress, and my appearance. Still, I’m waiting for things to line up before I come out to her.

When I quit fighting the battle and gave in to dysphoria, I changed. It felt good to turn my back on the long held defense mechanisms many people use to mask their true desires. Yes I was one of them. Although I’ve always held liberal beliefs about many things, I masked my transgender feelings behind redirect. No I never condemned anyone or anything, but I never stood up for what’s right either.

When a male family member announced her transition, I kept quiet about it. My lack of open support to her, is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Now with my own transition, my activism increased. My spouse has noticed.

While leaving the house the other day, dressed in capris and a big shirt with a bra underneath, I stopped and chatted. At one point during the conversation, I asked how same sex marriage could possibly affect the religious right? The rhetorical question was asked in frustration since I know how some of them feel.

The futility of trying to eliminate perceived sins, thereby making heaven on earth only serves to anger. It angers the religious right because their victims won’t change. It angers the victims, because . . . well, how could their lifestyle possibly effect their adversaries?

Then there’s the hypocrisy of ignoring all the other sins committed in the world. It’s hard to take somebody seriously about sin, when their own sins scream louder than they do. Also, there is the fact that a person can’t expect scriptural arguments to have any effect. It’s ludicrous to use the sin argument when the victim doesn’t believe in that interpretation. 

So, in my frustration about the whole thing, and adding the transgender arguments and fears, I vented. My wife, being non-political and non-combatant, didn’t want to participate. I drew her out. Suddenly she picked something out of the air and asked if I was trans. (I hadn’t said anything about trans).

She didn’t use that terminology, but the message was clear. She suspects. I don’t know how much she knows, but I’m not ready for that step. Those kinds of secrets, once told, have a tendency to snowball, and I need to get my ducks in a row before I go there.

I closed my mouth and said nothing. I left the house and came back. She hasn’t said anything since. In two months I’ll be ready. I will come out to family first then the world.