Monday, November 3, 2014

Giving Up?



In the short time I’ve been posting on this blog, I’ve been up and down. I’ve learned things about myself that have delighted and depressed me. I look back on my stated goals and realized I haven’t even come close.

I now have a wardrobe. It’s not sufficient, but it would’ve been great when I was a teenager. Still, I’m too large to look pretty. I had goals to attend Diva last spring and missed it. I had goals to attend two pride events and missed them. Why make goals if you fall short?

I’m still vacillating between my failed role as a man and my desires to be a woman. I look at my selfies, and see a guy a guy in a dress. Other days, I see what she could be.

So where do I go from here? What great insight can I find that will sustain me? I need a therapist to help me sort it out but I have no money for therapy. Depression has set in, and I cannot keep it up.

I’ve toyed with the idea of putting Francine away. I should delete the files from my computer and box it up. I should take down this blog that nobody reads anyway. I’m too old for this.

Then I think of how young I feel when I dress pretty. Am I just a cross dresser? Is there a deeper need to be female? Could I really pull it off? Could I transition and not feel like a freak for the rest of my life? I think there has been too much testosterone under the bridge.

Shall I give it up? I’ll let you know.