A want to be

Recently, on her blog, Stanna, over at femmulate, wrote about how she’s always been a woman. She’s been feminine throughout her life. She went on to talk about the difference between women like her and those who want to be women.

At first, I wondered if her remarks were discriminatory because I’m a want to be. Then a larger picture began to paint itself in my mind.

Like Stanna, I was born feminine, and I took a lot of abuse from my brother. I really had no idea what the difference was. All I knew was, I’d done something wrong. I learned to hide. As I grew older, I discovered the atrocities committed toward feminine boys, While I remained safely hidden.

Many times, I stood by, grateful they weren’t picking on me. With all my heart, I wish it had been different. It took years of frustration and getting in touch with aggression, before I was able to stand up to them.

Later, being thrust into the gender role I was born with made me fear the persecution even more. I rebuked my body for acting anything, but masculine, even so, I fought my secret desires.

Now that I am old, I can see with the eyes retrospect. I realize that some of us learned to hide it better than others did. As I return to feminine roots, I am jealous of Stanna. I feel sorry for her at the same time. She must’ve suffered on the playground of childhood, but now she is reaping the blessing of being feminine. Many of us would kill to have not eliminated that from our lives. 

Stanna is able to put on the clothes and the makeup and be the woman she was born to be. The rest of us have to work at it. With tears in my eyes I wish I were her.