Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Reiteration



When you write a blog about your personal transgender issues, you tend to repeat yourself. I’m sorry, but this post will be reiteration. Something came up, and I need to revisit those feelings.

With so much “transgender” coming to the forefront lately, there are many things I could write about, but I’m no expert. There are others, either farther along in transition or recognized experts on the subject, who can do a better job of that, than I can.

The truth is, this is my journal, a chronicle of my journey, and I hope you will join me on the ride. I’m treading new ground. Many people came before, but it’s a discovery journey for me.

While reading Trans 101 for Trans People, on the, Open Minded Health website. I was reminded of the question: How do I know I’m transgender? My answer brought to mind a series of blog posts that I wrote as a purely anonymous heterosexual cross-dresser.

Posting on that blog, like this one, was therapy. Since, I’d spent my whole life covering up my transgender dysphoria, the blog gave me an opportunity to sort out my life. I constantly asked myself, am I transgender? After my lifelong attempt to play the part, I failed as a man, and I had issues. I was at a crossroads.

My life was like so many others. Many of us can tell the same stories. It’s too bad we didn’t have transgender support groups for kids in the fifties and sixties. Like all of those my age, we thought we were strange. 

How did I know I’m transgender? I’ve always known, but desperation forced me into the gender I was born with. Melancholy came to a head during the time of those blog posts.

As I’ve mentioned previously, a mysterious illness struck me. With many symptoms, I thought I would die. Since then, I’ve compared, and came to the conclusion that it was an estrogen overdose. I really loved the positive effects but it happened so fast, my body couldn’t adjust.

 
See the chart? Is shows some of the effects of HRT and suggests a timeline for each one. I experienced most of those symptoms, but because there were other, more dangerous manifestations, I figured it had to be a sudden overdose, and I couldn’t put my finger on the point of ingestion, but I digress.

When I accepted my need for transition, I reveled in smooth skin, slowed hair growth, total lack of hair on my arms and legs, increased nipple sensitivity, decreased muscle mass, fat redistribution. Well, just read the chart. I realized how much I enjoyed those changes.

It felt comfortable. It felt familiar somehow. I suddenly realized I needed to be a woman. Everything began to fall into place. My whole life had changed. Some CIS gender people can’t understand that question above. They think a person should know if they are trans or not. Those CIS people don’t realize that many of us fought the idea for so long, our minds took a little reminding.

When I listened to a sample of a feminization hypno mp3, I knew I had to make the journey. Returning to the girl I was, however, hasn’t been easy. There have been a few bumps along the way, many regrets about not transitioning sooner, and times when I jumped off the train. Through it all, I’m still on the yellow brick road. 

For me its not how did I know I was trans, it’s when did I embrace my need to be a woman.

1 comment:

  1. *
    That chart does not explain all variables for all patients. I am an inter-sex female, mis-assigned as male at birth, and transitioned from faux male to female beginning at age 18 (1974 - 1985). My early ERT gave me morning sickness, in turn, days with morning sickness led to night-time dreams of me being pregnant. What caused the pregnancy dreams? ERT? Morning sickness? Inter-sex condition? I had a very hairy body as a 'boy'. Once on ERT, that hair went away on its own - no electrolysis or laser required - and became female patterned. My puberty occurred late so I otherwise experienced minimal masculinising before ERT; the worst was that my facial hair came in just before I started ERT so that required a couple years of electrolysis for one hour once or twice each month. I had no Adam's apple; my voice never changed (people called me 'Miss' on the telephone and I had to tell them my male name), my facial and body bone structure feminised. I never experienced a male hairline. I credit my favourable cellular receptor sites that took more to ERT than my own hormones of that time. I was off ERT for 13 months; my blood draw in March 2015 showed that my 'gonads' were pumping endogenous estrogen equal for a female my age (58) in menopause. My June 2015 blood draw shows that 1 mg ERT per day boosted my estrogen levels to normal ovulating adult female. In both draws, my testosterone was less than normal for post-menopausal female. With all that, I am humbled at your efforts and all the endurance you and others encounter (GCS, FFS, BA, VFS, Bosley) to achieve the best results for yourselves.
    *

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