I’ve talked about playing the role, on here before. I mentioned how many of us in my generation tried to accept what we couldn’t change, trying to fit the role cast upon us by birth.
In my life I tried so hard that I built a life of masculine mystique. As part of that life, I acquired office space in one of the rooms in our house. Since I do all my writing in other spaces, like coffee shops, I scarcely entered that office for about six years. I went in there this morning and looked at the walls, and discovered another reason.
As part of a recent writer’s event I attended a class about writing spaces, that’s why I went in there. I explored the feng shui and came to several conclusions. Then, I realized the real problem.
It’s full of him.
Ever since I started transition, I’ve been a different person. I want different things out of life. I finally feel alive and the trinkets that used to draw my attention belong to some guy. I know that sounds a little crazy, but seriously, I’m not him anymore.
I realized the need to erase him. Okay, I’m not that crazy. I know I wouldn’t be who I am without my masculine self. He brought us to this point and I can’t go forward without him. My experiences are here in my head, but my life has changed direction.
I’ll keep a few of the remembrances, but I need to get rid of everything else. I need to gut the office, repaint, and redecorate. My family will flip when they see the change. In essence, I need to move forward and I can’t take his stuff with me.
Anybody know a good decorator?
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