No Traditional Gender Questions

When I consider my standing in the therapy world, I’m left with a feeling of dread. I know that with the right diagnosis, the fast track toward SRS would be open to me. Convincing a therapist won’t be easy, especially, considering my non-classic symptoms.

As you know, Gender Dysphoria manifests itself in many ways. One of the most prominent is the belief of being born in the wrong body. Now, I know this will be controversial, but I don’t believe God makes mistakes. We all have different trials. We must, all jump our personal hurdles, in order to be a complete person.

With that being said, I must add, my body was undetermined. No, I’m not a hermaphradite. But certain parts were smaller, while other parts were bigger. I had breasts through puberty, and my penis was very small.

Why are some boys more masculine than others? Why do some girls shy away from the feminine? My answer, at least in my own case, is XXY syndrome. I believe that I was born with two-X chromosomes and one-Y. I believe there are many more undiagnosed cases than people think. Also, in the case of girls feeling masculine, I wonder if they were also born XXY.

Keep in mind, I’m not a geneticist, but I’m told the Y chromosome is dominant, so the reverse couldn’t be true. Can you image the macho jerk, born with two-Y’s? Anyway, I’m also told that every fetus was female first, and the Y develops in the womb.

I had issues as a child. My femininity came through, and was not welcome. My need to be a girl was squelched, and I was dragged, kicking and screaming, into a masculine role. I wasn’t born in the wrong body, but I’ve been blessed with a female mind. It has helped me understand people and express my feelings in ways a man would never do.

So here I am, with other issues that caused me to abandon the male role. My desires to be a woman are stronger than they ever were. If I could plead Gender Dysphora and convince a therapist, I would be on the fast track to HRT and SRS. There are myriad gender conditions I could be lumped into. Basically, I missed the boat at fourteen when my desires to be a girl were strong, but I didn’t have the resources we have today. So, I’ve lived a life of masculinity.

If my body had cooperated, heterosexual sex might’ve helped me become more masculine, but sexual dysfunction, left me frustrated for many years. Now, I realize that problem shaped me. With the right hormones and a vagina, life would’ve been different.

I want a do over. How many times in school, did we crinkle our homework and start again? How many times were we granted a second chance to make the right move while playing chess? "Are you sure you want to move there?" In answer to the gender question, No!!! I do not want to be a boy. I want to cry when I feel bad. I want to dress in frilly clothes. I want to talk about boys and get goose bumps when I think about them kissing me. I want to descend the staircase, dressed in a beautiful prom dress, while my nervous boyfriend admires my feminine beauty.

I want to use my feminine charm to open doors and bitch about the glass ceiling holding me back. I want it all. I want to piss everybody off during the times of PMS when I can’t control it. (I have those moments now, but I can’t claim the condition).

As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, I can never experience some of those things, due to advanced age. So why bother with HRT? Why resign myself to SRS and FFS? I guess the prospect of living the rest of my life, as a grandma, intrigues me. I want to finish life as the woman I always wanted to be. I want to quiet my mind with peace.

Isn’t that enough for an HRT recommendation? Taking it one step at a time, I will get there. With feminine grace, I will find serenity.