It Doesn't Go Away

Many of the "gifted" people in our society, the concert musicians, poets, and even politicians, will tell you they’ve always done what they do. Pianists sometimes talk about doing recitals at a very young age. They seem to have come hardwired to be what they are.

When I think of my life, I think of the fads I went through. When I liked the Black Sabbath band, my father heard that younger kids like them but eighteen-year olds don’t. He was right, at least in my case. I grew out of that phase. I went through slitting the outside seams of my jeans. About six inches up the leg, down by the ankle. I don’t know why I did that, other than it was a fad.

I got into the citizens band radio craze in the nineteen-seventies. Then I got out of it. I didn’t do all the fads and I wouldn’t recommend some of them to anyone, but I did a few. Through it all, I’ve been transgender. Of course the word didn’t exist when I was young. I remember the first time I learned the word transvestite and decided I was, except for my female mind.

I never understood what drove my desires, until the Internet. Through it all, I had crossdressing. Like with everyone, there were times I thought I’d overcame my need, but I went right back. How can a get a dog to stop barking? It’s in their nature. Feminine expression was in my nature. It was my way of keeping my sanity.

Whenever problems arose in the façade of my masculine life, I ran into my female nature and recharged my batteries. What I didn’t know was batteries eventually wear out. After many uses, they won’t take a charge anymore. I reached a point when my masculine batteries wouldn’t take a charge anymore. I retreated from life. Now I’ve resolved to never be male again. I won’t live that life anymore.

My name is Felicity Nerissa Keller, and I won’t be squelched. I refuse to be the means for that man to recharge his batteries. I will be me, he will disappear, and there won’t be a need for batteries. My life is changing as I emerge and he departs there are growing pains but it is worth it.