Transgender Technology

If I were a drag queen, you might think the title of this post refers to panty girdles or breast forms. I’m not a drag queen, however, and my dysphoria is not about the clothes. At least, it hasn’t been since I was fourteen.

While writing the other day, I contemplated the changes in our world. Many lives have both improved and degraded in the last twenty years. Opportunities to live your dreams present themselves like at no other time in history. Transgender issues are going away.

As a twenty something year old, crossdresser I lived in fear of discovery. I tried to live in stealth, but my genderhad a way of "slipping" out. Like the time I wore a slip under my male clothes for a quick trip to the video rental store. While standing in line, the garment slipped out. I was mortified. Fear of my fellow man took over and I exited the store.

I don’t know why I chose to keep it on rather than just go to the store as a man, today, I would just finish the outfit. In those days, one just didn’t go to mainstream establishments dressed like a girl. Especially, not that early in the evening.

Life as a transgender woman is much easier. With the invention of the microcomputer and the Internet, many of us discovered we are not alone. Others have our same affliction. We all wish were born female.

I can read blogposts about similar experiences. Many of my sisters talk about their reasons and feelings behind what we do. In one post you might recognize, My sister talked about feeling pretty dressed as a girl, as opposed to feeling ugly as a boy. It was her chance to shine and feel better about herself. Before the Internet, most of us thought we were crazy. We didn’t know a boy playing with dolls wasn’t abnormal.

Shopping is easier, too. We no longer need to suffer the judgement and disapproval of salesclerks. Just go on a website, click and enter a credit card number. In my day, we could order from catalogs, but we still had to face the clerk behind the counter.

The Internet, and the media has made life safe for those who would. Most of us, (old timers) can tell you horror stories about the times when you could get arrested for crossdressing in public. Now, there are many who gravitate toward the lifestyle but I wonder if they are just bored. I suspect some of them can’t relate to feeling mis-gendered.

Still and all, there are myriad improvements, allowing transgender people the freedom to be. As a teenager, when I was seriously dealing with these issues, hoping and praying I could magically be the girl I wanted to be, the options were closed.

I read about Renae Richards in Penthouse Magazine. SRS was called Sex change operations, and the results were often tragic. Adding to the angst, was they were performed in some far off place in Europe and the cost was more money than I would see in a lifetime.

Now, medical technology and the science of gender reassignment have improved so much, it can be done with ease. The half-hearted transsexual now has the opportunity to live the life I fantasized about. Why couldn’t we get today’s successful results when I was fourteen? There is no doubt in my mind, I would’ve jumped at the chance. If only . . .

If the average life span is somewhere around ninety, I am in the last half of my life. I spent so much of it, fighting against my desires. I built a house of cards and a family. I have to consider, is it worth it now.

I also wonder, if technology hadn’t improved since I was fourteen, How many of us would’ve stayed in the closet? Would we have accepted our lot, and lived our lives in quiet desperation? I wonder about the kids coming out these days. I can’t believe they all have Gender Dysphoria. Are our feelings and secret desires becoming popular because of technology?

One thing is true, it is easier to be transgender these days, mostly because of technology. When I think of the generations that came before me, I wonder how many of them suffered in silence? How many of them gave up their desires because of fear? I wonder how many there were of us. I also wonder how many of them would’ve transitioned, had the technology been available.

It Doesn't Go Away

Many of the "gifted" people in our society, the concert musicians, poets, and even politicians, will tell you they’ve always done what they do. Pianists sometimes talk about doing recitals at a very young age. They seem to have come hardwired to be what they are.

When I think of my life, I think of the fads I went through. When I liked the Black Sabbath band, my father heard that younger kids like them but eighteen-year olds don’t. He was right, at least in my case. I grew out of that phase. I went through slitting the outside seams of my jeans. About six inches up the leg, down by the ankle. I don’t know why I did that, other than it was a fad.

I got into the citizens band radio craze in the nineteen-seventies. Then I got out of it. I didn’t do all the fads and I wouldn’t recommend some of them to anyone, but I did a few. Through it all, I’ve been transgender. Of course the word didn’t exist when I was young. I remember the first time I learned the word transvestite and decided I was, except for my female mind.

I never understood what drove my desires, until the Internet. Through it all, I had crossdressing. Like with everyone, there were times I thought I’d overcame my need, but I went right back. How can a get a dog to stop barking? It’s in their nature. Feminine expression was in my nature. It was my way of keeping my sanity.

Whenever problems arose in the façade of my masculine life, I ran into my female nature and recharged my batteries. What I didn’t know was batteries eventually wear out. After many uses, they won’t take a charge anymore. I reached a point when my masculine batteries wouldn’t take a charge anymore. I retreated from life. Now I’ve resolved to never be male again. I won’t live that life anymore.

My name is Felicity Nerissa Keller, and I won’t be squelched. I refuse to be the means for that man to recharge his batteries. I will be me, he will disappear, and there won’t be a need for batteries. My life is changing as I emerge and he departs there are growing pains but it is worth it.

Hey, Mom. Is Dad turning into a girl?



similar to the one I wear

That was the question my daughter asked the other day. She went on to explain why she’d asked. It seems I’m wearing a butterfly charm, on a chain around my neck. She claims I wear rings, and she listed other things, although her mother didn’t elaborate.

When I heard about her question, I laughed out loud. I didn’t confirm or deny the accusation, but I was proud of her astute observation. She’s always been that way. She’s not the only one to notice changes, however, other people look me over, but can’t put a finger on what’s different. You see, I haven’t told anyone.

They say I look good since I lost weight and shaved my beard, but they keep staring. They see it, even though they don’t know what it is. I’m not taking hormones yet. I haven’t even seen a therapist, but there is a quiet resolve in my soul. I’m in transition and there are days when the aches and pains of getting older subside, and I feel younger.

In several posts here, I’ve mentioned my suspected accidental estrogen overdose. I suspect, although I still don’t know, where it came from, but the symptoms were all there. I loved the positive effects even though the problems were scary.

Now, my body is fighting to be male. Body hair that had slowed and stopped has been growing thicker. Shaving is more frequent. Sometimes, it feels like fighting a losing battle, I need HRT. Still and all, my daughter thinks I’m turning into a girl and I am.

I’ve seen the view from the mountaintop and I will not go back. My quiet resolve shows through, but it’s hard. I feel like a flake when my mind doesn’t know what to do with a quiet afternoon. I try to remember what my masculine self would’ve done and I’m letting chores go, in favor of shopping at the thrift store.

I’m messed up, and people have noticed. I go from blissful self-control to a state of confusion as my mind tries to convince my body it is female. It’s worth the elevated high blood pressure, just to convince my body to get on board. I don’t know what’s hard about making the change. It did it before. Besides there are parts of me that never got the memo about being masculine.

Yes, Daughter. Your dad IS becoming a girl. It’s a daily battle of both mind and body. Adding fuel to dilemma is my transition from working nights to working days. I fall asleep in the afternoon and I’m awake at night. What better time than to dress in my chosen gender and go out on the town?

Still it would be better to dress that way all the time. I need a man to do all the masculine chores and I will do my nails. Yes I’m fighting a war, but he is a she, it’ll just take a little time to convince the powers that be.