Moving Faster Now

I’ve needed a few wardrobe and girly items for a while, but I’ve been waiting until things started coming together for me. After erasing the beard, I realized things are moving quicker than I thought they would. I’m still poor, but last night, I tossed fear aside and spent money I didn’t have. A new bracelet even fell into my shopping bag.

an illustration of the transgender duality. my new shoe on the left

It was my day off, and I needed some Francine time. I started with cotton panties and camisole (I needed a new bra, too). I put on the pink shirt I wrote about, I wore my new shoes with men’s hose, and black denim pants. I finished my outfit with my new bracelet and other jewelry, but since I didn’t have a presentable wig, I chickened out and didn’t wear makeup.

Wouldn’t you know, on the inauguration of my new shoes, it started snowing. As you can see from the picture, those flats were not made for snow. Water puddles present a problem, too. I worried about the suede-like material, but they came through.

The coffee shop was fun. I got some writing done. I can’t figure out if the waitress was nice because of how I dressed, or was it because I felt wonderful and I treated her with great respect. Since I started transition, I’ve lost my need for a male ego, and I have a submissive attitude. I think I’m friendlier, too. After the coffee shop, I went shopping again. I don’t even want to know how much it cost. I’ll be paying for it forever. Next, I went home and lay on my bed to write, but fell asleep.

When I woke, determination had reared up. It was as though I was arguing my case for becoming the woman I am. Boldly, I swore that nothing would interfere with my quest. I promised to be in Las Vegas for Diva, in March. Cussing myself for not pursuing this course at fourteen, I realized life would be different. There wouldn’t be any loose ends to tie up with family members.

In my life, I failed miserably at being the responsible male. I’m road kill in the testosterone laden, fast lane of being a man. Now it’s time to be the person I always wanted to be. During my rant, I resolved to go back into one of my old career jobs. My plans are going to take money, and I need to take care of my loved ones. That might sound like the man coming out, but I’m tired of his life and the sooner I get my teeth fixed, find a therapist, start HRT, and move on to SRS, the quicker I’ll feel complete.

So I’m taking bigger steps, moving faster. My Facebook friend told me of a local place where I can get my new wig. It’s been hard sometimes, but I’m losing weight, so my next step is a total reveal and confiscating my wife’s old wardrobe. After that, I come out to the world. There won’t be any doubt as to who I am. (Notice I didn’t say what I am?) I won’t be crawling back into any boxes, either. I have a long list of things to work on, but I’m motivated.

As I said previously, those feminization videos are helping me to believe. I constantly repeat the mantra I am a girl. It’s okay to be girly, because I am a girl. I am not doing anything wrong. It’s true. I knew it as a kid—I know it now. I believe in the future. Even if the world goes to hell in a hand-basket, I’ll be the girl I always wanted to be.

Love Francine