Ain’t no Masculinity in Me

Some days I want be a woman so bad I can taste it. The all-consuming desire drives me to plan the conversations I will have in coming out. I shoulder my courage, shut down my ego, and relinquish my pride. On the way, I consider the implications. Love of those I would shatter comes into the mix and I turn around, seeking a better time.

Maybe I will tell them after the big event we have planned. I tell myself, you will be happier after . . . but will I? Do I have the right to destroy a life we built together? Are my selfish desires the deciding factor?

In the COGIATI, there is a question that I’ve been thinking about lately. It asks, A doctor offers you a painless, absolutely effective means to be completely masculine. All feminine desires and traits would be eliminated, and you would be happy and content to be a man. You would never need to dress, and you would never want to be feminine in any way again. You are assured that after the treatment you would be completely content. Would you take the treatment?

Without thinking, I immediately answer, hell no! How many of us have climbed back into the closet over the years, and purged our lives of femininity? Then we succumbed to our inner desires, and started the whole cycle again. Weren’t we trying to accomplish the results of the hypothetical question? I like being feminine. I want to be a woman. I finally know who I am. Would I give that up? NO, but I wonder . . .

Witch brings us to the question of my genitalia. Would I still have these desires if I were born with functioning, more masculine parts? If I could’ve had the sex life other men have, would I be different? I don’t know—I was born this way. I am sure however, I would’ve had a more rewarding sex life, had I been born with a vagina instead of what I got.

I now, stand at the crossroads. I must come out to move on. So much of my life was wasted filling a role. Trying to be what I’m not. Confession might be good for the soul, but it will ruin lives. Things will never be the same. I am living in my cocoon, getting ready to emerge. I will be the butterfly I always wanted to be.