Trans What?

Before beginning this skateboard ride, my direction faltered. I had no goals, and flaking out was my normal routine. Life was hard, but taking steps toward transition has given me something to look forward to. It sounds strange, but I’m feeling better about myself.

Maybe it has something to do with being true to my deeply hidden feelings. I’m working at being the girl I’ve always wanted to be. Transition has helped me set goals. I’m moving forward.

This post comes at the tail end of a current battle with self-doubt. There was the usual self-recriminating questions, how could I do this to my family? Etc. That was followed by, stand up and be the man you were born to be. The truth, as I reminded myself, is I failed. I would rather finish my life as a transgender woman, than attempt the fast lane of manhood again.

Yes, I’m messed up, but overcoming my male ego while relearning my life, makes me happy. Of course, I still flake out and try to ignore responsibilities, but I’m coming to terms with that, too. I’m getting a grip on myself and preparing to fly at the same time.

There is a lot of truth displayed in the Transgender symbol above. Indeed, I feel like the caterpillar I once was, emerging into a butterfly. The one who was destined to fly before gender became an issue, and I was forced into a male role.

As I implied, I’ve been thinking about what I will say when I reveal my plans to my family. "You are trans . . . what?" they will say. I’ve downloaded a pile of literature that will explain more than I know, but I’m going to move slowly. My life is like a house of cards and it will collapse in the face of the slightest jostle.

For now, I feel comfortable in my personal knowledge, but I have started wearing colors I never would’ve worn in the fast lane of manhood. My daughter might question my sexuality at some point, but that’s okay. I’m reinventing my life. Eventually I’ll be an old woman, but for now, I’m learning how.

Love, Francine