Small Victories & A Few Steps Backward

Have you noticed how gradual transition really is? Coming out of the closet is hard, especially for us older ladies. We have a whole life of stereotypical prejudice to overcome. Many of us remember when cross-dressing was a crime.

We make goals and convince ourselves we have every right, but the past ideas slip in and incapacitate our expression. I was writing in a coffee shop, late one night, dressed partially en-fem. I wore my aqua camp shirt, men’s jeans, and ankle socks under penny loafers. No makeup, and no wig.

I also wore bracelets on both arms, and a necklace with a heart shaped pendant. As time went on, my bracelets began to come off. Well, to be honest, I hate typing on my laptop with them banging on the table. I left my LGBT friendship band on.

On a side note, I braided six strands of cord into a friendship band for two reasons. I’m transgender, and proud of the T. Also, I’m curious. As I take steps to transition, I wonder if I will be a lesbian woman, attracted to men, or totally non-sexual. Wearing the bracelet with the red, orange, yellow, green, blue and violet strands is an invitation and an experiment.

Anyway, there I was, working on one of my books and two policemen walked in. What did I have to be worried about? I felt pretty in my semi-feminine attire, but seeing them brought up all the old fears. One of the officers even stared. I looked him in the eye and smiled. It’s easy to do, when the officers are young enough to be my grandchildren. After a few minutes, though, my self-conscious fears took over and I removed the bracelet.

Last week, I went to the coffee shop dressed in leggings, ballet slippers, and a big shirt. Under that, I wore a bra and I always wear panties. I was proud to be trans. I still am, even though I took off my bracelet.

Transition is a gradual thing, and I’m happy for small victories. Such things as wearing my camp shirt with the buttons on the left side. I’m looking forward to, after seeing a therapist, when I live full time as the woman I long to be. For now, though, I straddle two worlds, hoping for an easy transition and knowing it won’t happen that way.

In light of the subject and title of this post, I should mention the Trans Day of Remembrance. As you know, human beings are being murdered. In that way, things have not changed, we have no victory, small or otherwise.

The bigoted selfish reasons for these crimes are probably based on fear. I think the perpetrators have desires that scare them to death. I’m not saying that cross-dressing, transgender, or being gay is for everybody. I certainly don’t want to inflict those things on others, but acting out in hatred toward those who follow those feelings is not acceptable. Killing or just hurting others will not make your inclinations go away.

While I’m ranting, why do others wish everyone followed the same groove? Diversity in the human race makes us individual. Not every manly man is into sports. Not every democrat is pro gun control, and not all women dream of knights in shinning armor.

Allowing diverse lifestyles in your midst does not constitute acceptance. To borrow a page from your book, Jesus hated the sin, but loved the sinner. Moral issues should never be legislated. Freedom of choice is a birthright. Let others choose for themselves and stop trying to put them into your mold.

Even though I don’t abide your hate, I still love you.

Still, there is something to be grateful for on this Trans Day of Remembrance. There was a time, when in certain parts of this country, people like me just disappeared. As soon as word got out about the sissy boy, he was gone.