There are Two Sides to Selfish

While I recently watched a transgender M2F documentary, and I cried. I trans woman with 5 kids and a wife talked about how her transition effected her kids. It’s so sad. Their lives were uprooted and they want their daddy back.

I wondered what right do I have. I don’t have five kids, but like the subject of the documentary, I married my high school sweetheart. Looking back on it now, I tried to tell her about my feminine desires, but I never came right out and said it. Like others, I thought marriage would change me. Besides, I was deep in the closet and afraid.

Now that my life came to a place where I can no longer deny who I am, I wonder: Is it selfish for me to want to be a woman? Or is it self-preservation? Are the children in the documentary being selfish because they don’t want their lives to change? It isn’t fair to them. On the other hand, is she selfish because she cannot live without transition?

For many of us, there is no question. It’s either transition or die. Is it possible for us to suck it up, be a man to protect our loved ones? The only selfish thing, at least for me, has been letting the charade continue all these years.

Just think of all the pain we could’ve saved, if only society hadn’t been so black and white. If we had been brave thereby avoiding the game of trying to fit. I tried for many years. I immersed myself in other interests, almost successfully overcoming the girl inside. Then one day, she came out.

Yes, there was a trigger. As a joke, my wife applied makeup to my face, and I loved it. Unless you are transgender, you will never know how it feels to have those feelings come out, after being buried for so long. Did you ever see Gremlins? In that movie,they accidentally break the rules and spill water on one. After that, all hell broke loose.

I didn’t come out after the makeup, I didn’t put her back in the closet either. I really do wish I had pursued transition. I could’ve done it while there was still time to save a portion of our lives. I had insurance, and I made a good living. Instead, I crawled back into denial and never successfully closed the door again.

Now, after a lifetime of struggle, I’m doing what I should’ve done years ago. There was no choice. It was literally, either that or die. I failed as a man, and I couldn’t hold back the feelings and desires any longer. Did you ever try to stifle a sneeze? No matter what you do it will not be held back.

Now, slowly, but surely, my masculine self is going away. I look at his awards and trophies and I wonder who was that man? I try to do the things I used to do, and I can’t bring myself to start. I’ve forgotten how to use my tools.

So I ask you, although I should be asking a non-trans person: Am I being selfish, or am I preserving my life? My family will, most likely, never accept my choice, but how can I live without following through?