Somebody Stop The train

In my last post, I talked about the transgender railroad train and how we all buy our tickets in different ways. I also mentioned my quest to fill the male role. It’s hard to be the man I was, even harder to be the man everyone expects me to be.

During the past couple of years it was easy to ride the train. I failed at being a man and I had a great excuse to the girl I always wanted to be. If you add my childhood experiences into the mix, transitioning was the best choice. It was the only choice.

Now I’m getting a second chance to be my assigned gender, I no longer have the failure excuse. If I can pull it off, it would make certain things easier. In the past, as a part time crossdresser, I went through binge and purge periods, but my wardrobe is too big now. I cannot purge. If I put everything away, it would be self-defeating. I lie on my bed screaming. I still need to be a woman.

There are so many strong women in the world; Ladies, who take care of their families, girls, who fill both roles. Why can’t I do the same? I’m caught between worlds. The girl I once was wants so badly to live her life. The boy wants to do the right thing. I can’t have both. I don’t want to be a part time crossdresser.

With tears in my eyes I stand here, at the station, begging for the train to stop and let me back on. Please conductor grab me, put me on the train and never let me off. Yes, I’m afraid of failing again. Yes, I crossed over. I’m a woman, trying to be a man. I want to escape in a cloud of estrogen and never look back, but there are people there. Those who expect me to be him are counting on me.

The male side of me placed all his skinny clothes in boxes, during the time he put on weight. The expectation of wearing them again was always there. Now he will put all his fat clothes in boxes, but he never wants to wear them again. Maybe he should just give them away. What do I do with my gender specific clothes? If I put them in boxes, I would expect to wear them again. If I can’t wear them again maybe I should give them away?

This is my quandary. I stand at the crossroads. I can no longer straddle the line. I should do what is best for me, but is that the best thing? These are questions asked by thousands of others on the train. I’m not the first, nor will I be the last. For now, I’m climbing back on the train.