Giving Up?

In the short time I’ve been posting on this blog, I’ve been up and down. I’ve learned things about myself that have delighted and depressed me. I look back on my stated goals and realized I haven’t even come close.

I now have a wardrobe. It’s not sufficient, but it would’ve been great when I was a teenager. Still, I’m too large to look pretty. I had goals to attend Diva last spring and missed it. I had goals to attend two pride events and missed them. Why make goals if you fall short?

I’m still vacillating between my failed role as a man and my desires to be a woman. I look at my selfies, and see a guy a guy in a dress. Other days, I see what she could be.

So where do I go from here? What great insight can I find that will sustain me? I need a therapist to help me sort it out but I have no money for therapy. Depression has set in, and I cannot keep it up.

I’ve toyed with the idea of putting Francine away. I should delete the files from my computer and box it up. I should take down this blog that nobody reads anyway. I’m too old for this.

Then I think of how young I feel when I dress pretty. Am I just a cross dresser? Is there a deeper need to be female? Could I really pull it off? Could I transition and not feel like a freak for the rest of my life? I think there has been too much testosterone under the bridge.

Shall I give it up? I’ll let you know.